he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
