Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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