Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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