I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
