i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
