I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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