i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
