I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
