She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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