Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
