your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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