I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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