I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
