it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
