I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
