i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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