I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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