So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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