There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
