Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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