By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
