You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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