1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
