I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
