Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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