you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
