One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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