Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
