Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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