So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
