I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
