I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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