Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
