We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
