I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
