At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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