Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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