Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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