Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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