She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
