i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It was confusing and full of hummus
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
