and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
