Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
