I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
