Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
