Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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