well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
