if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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