I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
