3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
