I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
