My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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