Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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