I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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