The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
My vagina just recognized that song.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize