Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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