I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
